|
"A TRIBUTE TO THE WORKING MAN"
THE AMERICAN WAY
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock
(made in Japan)
for 6:00 A.M. While his coffee pot
(made in Japan)
is perking, he puts his blow dryer
(made in Taiwan)
to work and shaves with his electric razor
(made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt
(made in Taiwan)
his designer jeans
(made in Singapore)
and a pair of tennis shoes.
(made in Korea)
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet
(made in Philippines)
he sits down to figure out on his calculator
(made in Mexico)
how much he can spend today.
Joe sets his watch
(made in Switzerland)
by the radio
(made in Hong Kong)
he goes out, gets in his car
(made in Germany)
goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and
fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals
(made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine
(made in France)
and turns on his TV
(made in Japan)
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.
Baxter Conners, Vice President
Apex Engineering
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015
Dear Mr. Conners,
Thank you for your letter of February 17th.
After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a
varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible
for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Apex Engineering's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation.
I look forward to seeing
you then.
Sincerely,
|
|
A Matter Of Interpretation In The Work Place
When I take a long time, I am slow
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don't do it, I am lazy
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same, that is initiative
When I please my boss, I'm brown-nosing
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating
When I do good, my boss never remembers
When I do wrong, he never forgets
|
DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY, ALL
EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST
CUTTING MEASURES
Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and
friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public
areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging
sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may
provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all employees prior to their departure on business
trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to
Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for
travel to Seattle.
Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition
centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free
samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained
in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on
business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can
be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of
heating or costly preparation.
Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques
in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising
individual has already suggested that money could be raised
during airport layover periods which could be used to defray
travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be
issued to all employees prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be
available to employees so that sales may be made as time
permits.
|
|
The trouble with doing something right the first time
is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Mondays are a terrible way to start the week.
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look surprised.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.
You can't fire me. Slaves have to be sold.
People who do the world's real work don't usually wear neckties.
I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted.
The trouble with work is...it's so daily.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
I pretend to work...they pretend to pay.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound as they fly by.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
When in doubt, THINK!
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Some days you're the dog. Other days you're the hydrant.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on "escape."
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Always give 100% at work:
12% Mon. 23% Tues. 40% Wed. 20% Thurs. 5% Fri.
|
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: New Sick Leave Policy
l. SICKNESS: No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
2. AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in you absence.
4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
5. ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from
8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
MANAGEMENT
|
|
1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.
2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three Fridays in every week.
3. There is no 13th, so, no bad luck allowed
4. There are six new days added to each month to allow for end-of-the-month panic jobs.
5. There is no 1st of the month - thus avoiding late delivery of the previous month's last-minute panic jobs.
6. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with the removal of non-productive Saturday's and Sunday's.
7. A new day - Negotiation Day - has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.
Corporate headquarters has defined a lower cost
alternative to address the Y2K issue:
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There
are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Frequently Asked Questions
from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
These individual quotes were reportedly taken
from actual employee performance evaluations
in a large US Corporation.
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"He must have donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
And when you survive the work-a-day world,
retirement is not without it's problems.
When you stop to think about it:
you never get a day off!
To write to the TinChicken
Click on the chick
Take out the words, "NoSpam"
Pencils thanx to
Read the small print
|