IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER!

If you messed up your life, you could press
"Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life,
click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance,
just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary.
You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on "SEND NOW"
and a Pizza would be on it's way to YOU...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO AOL IF..
(items in red apply to the tinchicken)

Your AOL bill is more than your phone bill. You get more e-mail than snail mail. When introducing yourself to anyone, you use your screen name. You understand what lol, rofl, BTW, 8-), or BRB means. You are no longer afraid of a mouse. You're awake for a lot of sunrises. You go up to people you are attracted to and ask for their GIF. You don't know what your cyberfriends look like. The only way that your child can get your attention is by: Standing in front of your screen IM'ing you telling you that Steve Case is calling you on the phone When your spouse is mad at you, they threaten to erase your e-mail, and you humbly, earnestly, and quickly beg for forgiveness. At work, your boss constantly reminds you that the letter "i" should be capitalized. When going on a job interview and asked if have any questions about the company, your first response is to ask if they are on AOL. When leaving to go to the bathroom, you find yourself saying, "BRB." When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have none, you ask for an age\sex\location check. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking. You dream in text. Tech support calls YOU for help! You watch TV with the sound off and the close-captioning on. You double-click your remote. You beg your friends to go online so you can "hang out". You've gotten on a plane to meet someone face to face You have over 100 people on your buddy list. You sign on and immediately get ten IMs from people that have you on their buddy lists. You meet people face to face, and you don't know their real names. You have a bumper sticker that says "Drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone." You have a vanity tag with your screenname on it. You no longer use capital letters, proper punctuation, or complete sentences Your English teacher is spinning in her/his grave. You type over 70 WPM. You type faster than you think. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome When someone asks, "What did you say?" You respond, "Scroll back" You change screennames so much that you have to check your profile to figure out who you are. You have a second phone line just for your computer. You type messages to people while you're talking to them on the phone You smile sideways. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone before signing off. You bring a bag lunch to your computer. You go through AOL withdrawal during dinner. You wake up and let your computer boot up before making coffee You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of his/her office. When you die, you want your computer buried with you. When your computer dies, YOU want to be buried with it. Being called a "Newbie" is a MAJOR insult. There's absolutely no interesting chat in any room and you are really bored yet you don't want to leave in case you miss something. You enjoy being called an AOL addict. At a boring party you find yourself saying to the person you just met "Let's go private", and your thoughts are perfectly innocent Time is different than real world... Thinking you have known someone for years and it has only been a month or two You understand the humor in all of these jokes

Dear Addict You are hereby notified that a domestic complaint has been filed in U.S.A. Municipal Court by Management, herein referred to as "the Plaintiff," alleging alienation of job duties and interpersonal neglect due to excessive addiction to online services collectively referred to as the Internet. Plaintiff claims that you ("the Defendant") regularly engage in computer-based conversation (via electronic mail or "chat lines") with unknown individuals until well past midnight, with reckless disregard of Plaintiff's emotional and physical welfare. Plaintiff also claims that the Defendant has caused irreparable damage to shared social life by refusing contact with now-former friends, and has instead spent 123 consecutive weekends "browsing" or "surfing" the World Wide Web for as many as 16 hours a day. Plaintiff further alleges that the Defendant has abandoned even minimal personal hygiene, causing widespread visual and olfactory distress. Your appearance is required in Courtroom A on Tuesday at 9 a.m. Failure to appear will result in a bench warrant for your arrest. Plaintiff's conditions of settlement in this matter include: a. Commit yourself to a 30-day program at the Bill Gates Treatment Center in Redmond, Washington. b. Submit to face-to-face communication with Plaintiff for at least 15 minutes per day. c. Hand-deliver a written apology to all estranged friends and relatives (do NOT e-mail). d. Engage in no Internet activities without the direct supervision of the Plaintiff. All such activities will occupy a total of no more than one hour per day. e. Attend an accredited class in corrective hygiene. Please call this office within three (3) business days to discuss settlement terms. Should you fail to do so, Plaintiff can elect to cancel all Internet access and reboot you to the curb. Thank you, Court Administrator

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ROFL
onward
Diary of a Newbie

To write to the TinChicken
Click on the chick
Take out the words, "NoSpam"

Read the small print