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computer humor rofl rolling on floor laughing 640K ought to be enough for anybody. --Bill Gates, in 1981 There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "I think there is a world market for may be five computers..." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1944 How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? To see if you should be concerned Take the Computer Reality Test
640K ought to be enough for anybody. --Bill Gates, in 1981 There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "I think there is a world market for may be five computers..." --Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1944 How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? To see if you should be concerned Take the Computer Reality Test
How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? To see if you should be concerned Take the Computer Reality Test
1. What do you think are good names for children? a. Scott and Jenny. b. Bill Gates IV. c. Mozilla and Dotcom. 2. What's a telephone? a. A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. b. A telecommunications device with 12 keys. c. Something you plug into a modem. 3. Which punctuation is most correct? a. I had a wonderful day! b. I had a **wonderful** day!!! c. I had a wonderful day :-) 4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to: a. Visit the washroom. b. Raid the fridge. c. Check your E-mail. 5. What are RAM and ROM? a. A male sheep and a city in Italy. b. Hulking stars of the WWF. c. I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. 6. To avoid a virus you should: a. Stay away from people who sneeze and cough. b. Never read E-mail titled "Good Times". c. Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. 7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you: a. Ask friends where to purchase it. b. Check out the Yellow Pages. c. Go to Yahoo! 8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you: a. Call the retailer. b. Call the manufacturer's toll-free number. c. Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. 9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you: a. Visit a club on a Saturday night. b. Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch. c. Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. 10. How do you introduce yourself at a party? a. Hi, I'm Jane! b. Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp. c. Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod. 11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say: a. Tell me more about yourself. b. What's your star sign? c. What's your Profile? 12. If you really like the person, you say: a. Could you tell me your phone number? b. What's your E-mail address? c. Let's chat Private. 13. When I say spam, you think: a. Ham in a can. b. Unsolicited advertising E-mail. c. I mailbomb all spammers! 14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say: a. I don't need another mug coaster. b. Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups. c. Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. 15. When you want to research a reference you: a. Open up a volume of your encyclopedia. b. Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive. c. Go to www.altavista.digital.com. 16. When you write a letter you: a. Put pencil to paper. b. Open Eudora. c. Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? 17. Different types of text formatting include: a. Writing and printing. b. Underline and double-strike. c. Bold and italic. 18. You correct errors using: a. An eraser. b. White-out. c. Backspace or delete. 19. You sign your name: a. Best regards, John Smith. b. See you in IRC, John_Smith. c. Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. 20. To keep a copy of your letter you: a. Insert a carbon and a second sheet. b.Take it to the photocopier. c. Check your Sent Mail folder.
SCORING: 0 points for each "a" response, 5 for each "b" and 10 for each "c" RESULTS: 150 or higher, Unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
0 points for each "a" response, 5 for each "b" and 10 for each "c" RESULTS: 150 or higher, Unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
RESULTS: 150 or higher, Unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
150 or higher, Unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.
How you know if you Bought A Bad Computer Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics." The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics." The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" 11."...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." 10."So -- what are you wearing?" 9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!" 8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n." 7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." 6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." 5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." 4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." 3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!" 2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS?... Here's what viruses (viri?) do: They replicate quickly -- OK Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- OK Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- OK Windows does that too. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems that Windows might in fact be a virus, but there are some differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, and are universally compatible. Their program code is fast, compact, efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Here's what viruses (viri?) do: They replicate quickly -- OK Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- OK Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- OK Windows does that too. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that too. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems that Windows might in fact be a virus, but there are some differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, and are universally compatible. Their program code is fast, compact, efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Murphy's Laws of Computing When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. When the going gets tough, upgrade. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. COMPUTER TERMS BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year Continued on page 2 back to Shannon onward ROFL page 2 To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
COMPUTER TERMS BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year Continued on page 2 back to Shannon onward ROFL page 2 To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year Continued on page 2 back to Shannon onward ROFL page 2 To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
Continued on page 2 back to Shannon onward ROFL page 2 To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
back to Shannon onward ROFL page 2 To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
To write to the TinChicken Click on the chick Take out the words, "NoSpam" Read the small print
Read the small print
