NOAH'S ARK: IF IT HAPPENED TODAY And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole Earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems." "First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system." "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark. There was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters on the boat and still no owls." "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind." "Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing and Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. "Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I gave them a globe." "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A r a i n b o w arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the Earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

The First Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that even
God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was:
"Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having
an apple break and he was very angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why DID you do it? "God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance In this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling his children,
what makes you think it should be a piece of cake for you?

MEETING GOD There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he parked with his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack root beer and he started his journey. When he had gone about 3 blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her a Twinkie. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word. As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman and gave her a hug. She gave him the biggest smile ever. When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." Before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!" Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." But before her son responded, she added, "You know, he is much younger than I expected."

WHAT IF GOD DECIDED TO INSTALL
AN ANSWERING MACHINE

Imagine praying and hearing this:

"Thank you for calling my Father's house."
"Please select one of the follow options:"
Press 1 for requests
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
For all other inquiries Press 4.

What if God used the familiar excuse,

"All the angels are helping other customers right now.
Please stay on the line and you call will be
answered in the order it was received."

Can you imagine getting these kind of
responses as you call on God in prayer?

If you would like to speak with Gabriel, Press 1
To speak to Michael, Press 2.
For any other angel, Press 3
If you would like King David to sing a Psalm for you, Press 6.
For reservations at my Father's house,
simply press the letters J_O_H_N,
followed by the numbers 3-1-6

For answers to nagging questions about the
dinosaurs, the age of the earth
and where Noah's ark is located,
wait until you get here.

Our computers show that you have already called today.
Please hang up immediately.

This office is closed for the weekend.
Please call again Monday."

Thank God, you can call as often as you want.
You only need to ring once and God hears you.
Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal.
God takes each call and knows each caller personally!

back to
Moron Jokes
onward
More Conversations with God

To write to the TinChicken
Click on the chick
Take out the words, NoSpam

and

Read the small print