Let's face it -- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger;
neither pine nor apple in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends
but not one amend,
that you comb through annals of history
but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, is it an odd or an end?

If a teacher taught, why didn't a preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Author
Richard Lederer

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