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Notes about this site

Good Morning.

Perhaps you have seen my billboards around town.

Just in case you haven't, here are just a few for you.

God

Let's Meet At My House Sunday
Before the Game - God

C'mon Over And Bring The Kids
- God

RIVERWATER

The minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With a great waving of arms and pounding of the pulpit, he exclaimed , "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally as he paced back and forth across the front of the church, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With that he turned and sat in his chair, his head hanging down as in complete exhaustion. The sermon was complete. It was now time for the final song.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced quietly, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River'."

What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
Didn't You Understand? - God

We Need To Talk - God


You might be in a southern country church if.......

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting roaches on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't ever been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves".
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
11. A singing group is known as the "OK Chorale".
12. The church directory doesn't have last names.
13. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
14. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
15. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
16. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
17. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 O'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen calls inquiring about your health.
18. High notes on the organ sets dogs in the parking lot to howling.
18. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
19. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear".

Loved The Wedding,
Invite Me To The Marriage - God



Keep Using My Name in Vain
And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God



An Arm and A Leg

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, and he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong, Adam?"

"Hey, the animals are great, but I don't have anyone to talk to."

Then the loud voice said, "I am going to give you a companion and you will call it woman."

"This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

"She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??"

The answer was "An arm and a leg."

Adam then asked "What can I get for just a rib???"

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing, I Meant It. - God

I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW
I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics - do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee - float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. Stay below deck during the storm.
12. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
13. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
14. Don't miss the boat.
14. "No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow.

Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God

Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

You think it is hot here! - God

Don't make me come down there! - God

The Starfish Flinger

As the old man walked the beach at dawn, He noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"

The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to the safety of the waves.

"It makes a difference to this one," he said.

Need Directions? - God

PRINTS IN THE SAND

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God

Good Morning.

This is God, again.

Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I will not need your help.

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (something for Jesus to do) Box. It will be addressed in MY time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.

If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.

Have You Read My #1 Best Seller?
There Will Be A Test. - God

A father was approached by his small son who said, "I know the Bible!" The father replied, "What do you mean you know the Bible?" The son replied, "I know what the Bible stands for!" The father said, "So, what does the Bible stand for?" The son replied, "It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth".

Need a marriage counselor?
I'm available. - God

The best is yet to come. - God

THE FORK

The sound of Martha's voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to Brother Jim's face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all the children called her, just seemed to ooze faith, hope and love wherever she went.

This time, however, there seemed to be an unusual tone to her words.

"Preacher, could you stop by this afternoon? I need to talk with you."

"Of course. I'll be there around three, Is that okay?"

As they sat facing each other in the quiet of her small living room, Jim learned the reason for what he sensed in her voice. Martha shared the news that her doctor had just discovered a previously undetected tumor.

"He says I probably have six months to live." Martha's words were certainly serious, yet there was a definite calm about her.

"I'm so sorry to . . . " but before Jim could finish, Martha interrupted.

"Don't be. The Lord has been good. I have lived a long life. I'm ready to go. You know that."

"I know," Jim whispered with a reassuring nod.

"But I do want to talk with you about my funeral. I have been thinking about it, and there are things that I know I want."

The two talked quietly for a long time. They talked about Martha's favorite hymns, the passages of Scripture that had meant so much to her through the years, and the many memories they shared from the five years Jim had been with Central Church.

When it seemed that they had covered just about everything, Aunt Martie paused, looked up at Jim with a twinkle in her eye, and then added, "One more thing, preacher.

When they bury me, I want my old Bible in one hand and a fork in the other."

"A fork?" Jim was sure he had heard everything, but this caught him by surprise.

"Why do you want to be buried with a fork?"

"I have been thinking about all of the church dinners and banquets that I attended through the years," she explained. "I couldn't begin to count them all. But one thing sticks in my mind."

"At those really nice get-togethers, when the meal was almost finished, a server or maybe the hostess would come by to collect the dirty dishes. I can hear the words now."

"Sometimes, at the best ones, somebody would lean over my shoulder and whisper, `You can keep your fork.' And do you know what that meant? Dessert was coming!"

"It didn't mean a cup of Jell-O or pudding or even a dish of ice cream. You don't need a fork for that. It meant the good stuff, like chocolate cake or cherry pie! When they told me I could keep my fork, I knew the best was yet to come!"

"That's exactly what I want people to talk about at my funeral. Oh, they can talk about all the good times we had together. That would be nice."

"But when they walk by my casket and look at my pretty blue dress, I want them to turn to one another and say, `Why the fork?'"

"That's what I want you to say. I want you to tell them that I kept my fork because the best is yet to come."

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