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Hometown Bank
431 Main Street
Everytown, USA
To Whom It May Concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been
in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these
unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
conduct of your very own bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes.
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you
I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and
blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
bank by personal check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must
nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Contact Status,
which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must
be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number
which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phonebank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is
very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided
through an extensive set of menus:
1) to make an appointment to see me,
2) to query a missing payment,
3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention
of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration.
This month I have chosen this refrain from The Best of Woody
Guthrie:
Oh the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for!
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will
probably know it all by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for
greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send
me. This I will read for a fee of $5 per page.
Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5
per minute of my time spent
in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of
the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back
to you.
My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute
(even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so keep your
inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
Here's to a mutually monitarily beneficial agreement between us.
Your humble client
Steve Reede Jr.
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