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STORIES FROM THE AIRLINES
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Announcements heard over the PA system
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella! WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
after a landing like that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds. We will try to have the clouds fixed before we arrive.
Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event
of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
compliments."
Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit
with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't
the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was
the asphalt!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through
the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here a US Airways."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
Here are some
squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from
the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be
serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
TRUE STORY
My daugther was waiting for her plane to take off. The
doors to the ramp were still closed and locked.
The pilot apparently got there early and sat beside her.
The two made pleasant, small talk for a few minutes.
When the doors finally opened the pilot got up, turned to
her and said, "Have a nice flight."
She replied, "I will, if you will!"
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